Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
