She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My balls are so social today.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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