i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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