I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
