You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
