Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
