Screwed.edu
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
In America we eat man semen.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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