Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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