So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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