my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
