you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
And then my night got REAL pukey
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize