I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
