Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
