Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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