I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
