Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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