Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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