I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
