I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
