I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
