I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
