So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize