He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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