he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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