An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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