I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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