Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
