I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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