Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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