did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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