we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
