Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
