I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
