I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
