So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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