my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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