I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Randomize
