You're my little dorito
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
