you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
