What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
