I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
