just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
