Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he wants to bone in the snuggie
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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