Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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