she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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