I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
