This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The beer is more important than you right now.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
