I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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