the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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