I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
