I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
