i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
