We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
