There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think I sprained my soul last night
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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