I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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