You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
As shirtless as possible
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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