Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
