Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
